English Jokes - Laugh and Learn English!

[Yuhari]

Learn English vocabulary quickly and easily by reading and listening to these English jokes. You can laugh and learn at the same time!

1. Like a gentleman?
2. A Talking Frog (Learn to speak with this story about nature.)
3. Little Johnny Boy
4. A Wife's Duty (Jokes to Increase Your Vocabulary)
5. God
6. If you want to be famous...
7. I Want to Buy That
8. Why didnt you refuse it?
9. Because of absence
10. The Joy of Tech
11. Are You Really Sure?
12. Blonde Car Accident
13. Question and answer blonde jokes
14. Stone and Stone - Breaker (Đá và người đập vỡ đá)
15. Lucy
16. Handwriting
17. Radio Broken
18. Elevator
19. The arm was guilty
20. Grandma wouldn’t lie
21. Whisper
22. Too short for me…
23. It’s coconut
24. He drew it all himself
25. Beggar
26. What a woman!!!
27. Most wanted
    
28. I went out in my slippers
    
29. Gifts for mother
    
30. Mistake?
    
31. A matter of punctuation
    
32. The office rules
    
33. Will show him
    
34. The magician & the parrot
    
35. The carjacking
    
36. The best time for apples
    
37. Secret
    
38. Princess Ruybet
    
39. Me neither
    
40. Lullaby
    
41. Jesus, help me please…
    
42. I’m here already
    
43. I didn’t want to walk home
    
44. How can he explain it?
    
45. Grass
    
46. Famous people
    
47. Awful word
    
48. Another chance
    
49. An excellent interpreter
    
50. A new trick
    
51. Pretend
    
52. Supreme Ruler
    
53. SOAP
    
54. Behaviour
    
55. TENSE OF VERB
    
56. The Lost Key
    
57. 
    
58. 
    
59. 
    

[Yuhari]

Like a gentleman?

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him:
“ Now here’s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.”
“Like a gentleman?” Dick asked. “How do gentleman do it?”
“They always give the bigger piece to the other person.” answered his aunt at once.
“Oh,” said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he tool the cake to his sister and said to her:
“Cut this cake in half. Catherine.”

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Như một người lịch sự?

Dick lên bảy tuổi và em gái Catherine của nó lên năm. Một hôm, mẹ của chúng đưa chúng tới chơi ở nhà dì trong khi bà đi ra thành phố lớn để mua ít quần áo mới.
Lũ trẻ chơi được một giờ đồng hồ cho đến lúc bốn rưỡi thì người dì dắt Dick vào trong bếp. Chị đưa cho nó một cái bánh ngọt rất đẹp và một con dao rồi bảo:
“ Này, dao đây Dick. Hãy cắt chiếc bánh này làm hai rồi đưa một phần cho em cháu. Nhưng nhớ là phải làm việc này như một người lịch sự đấy nhé.”
“Như một người lịch sụ á? Vậy như người lịch sự thì phải làm thế nào cơ?” “Họ luôn đưa miếng to hơn cho người kia,”dì nó trả lời ngay lập tức.
“Ồ, thế á?” Dick phản ứng. Cậu ta suy nghĩ về chuyện này trong vòng vài giây. Rồi cậu ta mang chiếc bánh đưa cho em rồi nói:
“Hãy cắt chiếc bánh này làm hai đi, Catherine.”

[Yuhari]

A Talking Frog

An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak!
"Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week."
He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message.
"Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!"
The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out.
"Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!"
Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed,
"At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

Listen

a round: complete game of 18 hole;
sliced: went to the side, not straight;
sliced: water that is not deep;
attempting: trying;
retrieve: find again;
princess: a daughter of a king;
placed: put;
exclaimed: said strongly;
I'd rather: I will choose;

[Yuhari]

Little Johnny Boy

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying.
“Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”.
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

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Bé Johnny

Một giáo viên mới vào nghề đang thử áp dụng môn tâm lý của mình. Cô bắt đầu bài giảng bằng cách nói:
“Em nào nghĩ rằng mình ngu ngốc thì hãy đứng lên!”
Một vài phút sau, bé Johnny đứng dậy.
“Em nghĩ rằng em ngu ngốc hả, Johnny,” cô giáo hỏi.
“Không, thưa cô, nhưng em không thích phải nhìn thấy cô đứng đó mỗi một mình.”

[Yuhari]

A Wife's Duty

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!

Listen

accompanied: went together with;
checkup: the doctor tries to see if he is healthy or not;
suffering: feeling pain;
severe: strong and bad;
combined with: two things put together;
stress: feeling of pressure, as when you have too much work;
the following: what the doctor say next;
pleasant: kind and sweet;
a good mood: feeling happy;
nutritious: healthy food;
burden: put something heavy on him;
chores: little jobs to do at home;
worse: more bad;
whim: silly wish;
regain: get back;

[Yuhari]

God

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,
“Did God made you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,
“Did God make me too?”
“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
“You know, Grandpa.” She said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

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Chúa trời

Ông và cháu gái đang ngồi nói chuyện với nhau thì cô bé hỏi:
“Có phải Chúa trời đã tạo ra ông không hả ông?”
“Ờ, Chúa trời đã tạo ra ông,” người ông trả lời.
Một vài phút sau cô bé hỏi tiếp:
“Chúa trời cũng tạo ra cháu nữa chứ?”
“Ờ, Người đã tạo ra cả cháu nữa,” người ông trả lời.
Sau một vài phút, khi cô bé đã nhìn kỹ ông rồi lại ngắm kỹ mình trong gương, trong khi người ông đang phân vân không biết cô bé đang nghĩ gì trong đầu. Cuối cùng cô bé mới chịu nói:
“Ông biết không, càng về sau Chúa trời càng làm việc tốt hơn.”

[Yuhari]

If you want to be famous, there is no need to make scandals

Just wake up at 2:00Am and open in the max volume the song "We will rock you".
If your neighborhood tell you that you make too much noise, Just open the song "Sorry".
If your neighborhood said that they will beat you, just open the song "Tôi không tin".
Then if they beat you, open the song "Không đau vì quá đau".
If they beat you too much and you have to come to the hospital, open the song "Anh sẽ quay về".
Do this everyday, and you will become very "famous". I'm sure!

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Nếu bạn muốn trở thành người nổi tiếng, thì hãy làm các bước sau đây:

Sáng 2:00 giờ sáng dậy, mở thật to bài "We will rock you".
Người ta chửi mình thì mở bài "Sorry".
Người ta doạ đánh mình thì mở bài "Tôi không tin".
Người ta đánh mình thì mình mở bài " Không đau vì quá đau".
Ngừơi ta đánh mình zô bệnh viện thì mình mở bài "Anh sẽ quay về".
Làm như vậy vài lần mình sẽ trở thành "nổi tiếng".

[Yuhari]

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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[Yuhari]

Why didnt you refuse it?

After the Football match, a player went home with a sorrowful face.
His surprised wife asked:
- Why are you so sad? What's the matter? He answered sadly:
- Today I got a Yellow card.
- So, did you want to get it?
- Of course not. The wife was upset:
- If you didn't want to get it why didn't you refuse it? But you did accept it, so now you are sad.

[Yuhari]

Because of absence

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

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Vì vắng mặt

Mẹ: “Tại sao con lại bị điểm thấp như vậy trong bài kiểm tra đó hả?”
Con trai: “Bởi vì vắng mặt"
Mẹ: "Con muốn nói rằng đã vắng mặt vào ngày có bài kiểm tra đó à ?"
Con trai: " Không, đứa vắng mặt là đứa ngồi cạnh con cơ."

[Yuhari]

The Joy of Tech

[Yuhari]

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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[Yuhari]

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[Yuhari]

Question and answer blonde jokes

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde\'s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde\'s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

[Yuhari]

Die.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!

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Tôi muốn chết trong giấc ngủ như ông nội tôi…
Chứ không rú hét và hoảng hốt như hành khách trong xe hơi của ông!